Tuesday Confessional

I don’t often write off the cuff.  For me to identify how I feel and be able to discuss it, verbally or in writing, usually takes me some time.  But I am getting better with practice, and it’s a curious thing that is helping me.  Timehop.

I resisted signing up because all of the re-posts and re-likes of things on social media can be a real bore to anyone other than the originator, and if my intention was not to share it, my preference would be to not be tempted to.  But, I reasoned that I could do it just for me.  One of my favorite things in the world is pictures because it’s so hard to remember all the details.

And I love the details.  The little things matter so much more to me than the big things.

Similarly, G and I started keeping a one-sentence journal since the day we got married.  One sentence – or a rambling of the goings on for the day – every day – for five years.  Our first five years of marriage, it will be.  What’s great is that each day is a page, and once we start writing on August 30, 2015, we’ll look back and see that August 30, 2014 it says…  We tied the knot!  Holding hands forevermore.  And every time we write, we will be reminded of what we wrote in past years.

So, Timehop is not different, except I have years and years worth of pictures and posts that it keeps track of for me.  And almost every day I tap in to see how absolutely adorable Levi was, or remember some great trip we took, or see a photo of some couch we were considering which we are totally glad we went with a different one.

But today, I saw a picture of my dad that was taken 2 years ago today.  He wasn’t with me, because even 2 years ago, we were not speaking.  But, he was with his granddaughter, Lilly.  And it’s so obvious how much he loves and adores her.  My dad smiles twice a year.

And I got really really sad.

OK, I cried.

So anyways, however much we love to look back at the highlight reel, and share all the great stuff with our friends on social media, there are hard days too.  Hopefully there are far fewer hard days than there are amazing days.  But, they’re there to remind us we are human and mortal and vulnerable.

I’m trying to be grateful.  Per Rule #5.

But just because it’s a rule doesn’t mean I can hold steadfast 100% of the time.  I’m not perfect.  My rule for gratitude is a desire and a practice, not an absolute.  So, right now, while I think about my dad and how he chose not to have me in his life, and — even more sadly — chose not to have his son and grandchildren in his life either, I’m having a really hard time feeling grateful.

Happy Father’s day to all the amazing dads out there – my wonderful brother included.  I’ll humbly recuse myself from a father’s day post this year.